Things I feel like saying...

A bold Step

2012-01-30T11:42:00.000-08:00

Sometimes one just has to take that leap of Faith...
Today it begins, I missed them before but I won't miss them again...

Curiousity...

2011-11-29T07:18:00.001-08:00

A couple weeks back I gave in to my curiousity and went to see a Clairvoyant. I'm not sure how to use the information now, here I have pages & pages of what this woman told me and I don't know what to do with this new found info!

Keeping an open mind...

2011-10-10T23:11:00.000-07:00

...In this journey called life!

Quote

2011-09-26T23:14:00.000-07:00

Nothing is ever wrong. We learn from every step we take. Whatever you did today was the way it wasmean to be.
BE PROUD OF YOU

My Princess

2011-09-19T11:39:00.000-07:00

I knew God loved me when He gave me such a blessing...I'm in awe

I look like mommy now

LOVE IN A SIMPLE FORM

Untitled

2011-09-19T11:35:00.000-07:00

I sit there and pretend it doesn't phase me but it does...it hurts to know that you can't reach out to me, it hurts to know that you don't see how much I'm reaching out to you. I don't want anything more than friendship...I see your agony, I feel your frustration, I wanna be there for you...if you let me!
I love you buddy, know that always.

#payingitforward

Newness

2011-08-22T02:20:00.000-07:00

I went for a total new look, feeling good as well. My outlook on life has totally changed & I feel like a new life has been breathed into me.
The weird thing is the moment one goes through a change & starts glowing those around you automatically think there is a new man involved... and my answer is....YES THERE IS A NEW MAN IN MY LIFE...just not the one you are thinking of! LOL

#Blessed

Started Reading

2011-08-02T22:28:00.000-07:00

Its amazing how reading is totally different from being gliued to TV all the time. I decide to actually make out a schedule for my daily activities & included an hour of reading. I think if we all took out time to do that the world would be abetter place, LOL #justsaying

I must say though I have become more peaceful & its also pushing me towards self discovery...

Maybe I should join a bookclub #thinking!!!!!!!

Where's the GPS when you need it

2011-07-21T08:42:00.000-07:00

I discovered that life's roads have no GPS...
You end up in the darkest place & you wonder..."HOW IN HEAVEN'S NAME DID I GET HERE?" why cant one just stay on the perfect route until you reach your destination...
#justsaying

AHA moment

2011-07-18T07:04:00.000-07:00

I realise how much of a pen & paper journal person I am. I look at my journal & there is so much expression & I feel more comfortable in that world...
I guess I have to find an angle to this blog world.
I realised how deep I tend to be and maybe I'm afraid to put myself out there on this blog

I need to think of name change
I need to think of what I would like to share with everyone
or atleast be comfortable in knowing that I feel safe sharing..

Step 1

2011-06-08T04:20:00.000-07:00

I sat up wondering where do I begin with this path to forgiving this person? and actually cannot believe he asked me to forgive him, the nerve, I said!!!
A lot went through my mind, for a moment I felt that if I forgive him it will be making it ok that he hurt did this to me. I needed a way to move on without letting go, however apparently that is not possible.

The steps I have to take really didn't seem to make sense however I followed the first step & told myself that if it didn't work then this forgiveness crap is not gonna happen.
so...

STEP 1: I first have to go through the motions, feel the emotions, allow them to happen & get someone close you trust & who will listen to you vent about how you feel, it usually makes the pain more bearable.
"really? more bearable?"

A week ago I would have said this is bull crap, but I can know say is whoever said the above mentioned is spot on. I went through the pain & hurt and talked about it, and man don't I feel better. The first few days were crazy but I got through it so I think I will follow this 4 step plan & see what it opens me up to.

An AHA moment-Now the healing begins

2011-06-05T10:57:00.001-07:00

Since the news broke about another child, I have been a walking zombie! I managed to go thru the week...how? I don't know!
All these emotions were running thru me, hurt, anger, pain, resentment, confusion...how on earth was I ever gonna get thru all of this! I cried myself to sleep every night & asking God, why me! Why does it feel like I'm not good enough!
At my lowest I opened a book that I've not touched in months & as "cliche" as it sounds I opened the exact same page that wud pull me out of the darkness I was in!
"Forgiveness heals all wounds"
Now the healing begins...

My world felt like its closing in on me

2011-05-27T23:31:00.001-07:00

Thursday 26 May 2011, 16 days after my daughter's birthday, her father who wanted to work thing out, involuntary tells me the truth about his other child, a 7 month toddler! #shock
After a silent moment that felt like forever I somewhat went blank, I teared up, didn't cry though, was not going to give him a reason to touch me again, he disgusted me, he lied, I felt betrayed,I got hysteric, I screamed at him, he looked so blase, I hollered, he just said he was sorry, I screamed again, he replied he doesn't know!!! Silence...next thing he got up & left! And it rained...it rained through my bottle of red wine, it rained through my phone calls to every possible person I dialed, IM'd, BBM'd!!! It rained until my eyes couldn't take the burning sensation!

Next morning it all came back, the previous night's events! I realized that my mind shut down & I dazed through the whole event! I shuddered at the things I recalled saying to him & eventually kicking him out. My nonsensical rambling to friend & the worry I may caused, judging by the number of missed calls, BBM's & texts!

I found myself in a tight spot, I went into a dark place that I felt I did not deserve to be in.

I know what everyone says "what don't kill you makes u stronger"! At that moment I would have taken anything but stonger, it didn't feel like I was ever gonna wake up from that dream! BUt I did & I realised that I need to understand this situation in order for me to grow from the experience...stronger!

Now I'm taking it one step at a time...

My new home

2011-05-26T05:26:00.000-07:00

Finally I get time to Blog again...
Lets hope this time I will carry it through...

I moved from Bustly Jozi to Mellow Pretoria, it was a drastic move, been two months and I'm no where to be ing settle & my dramitic life is not helping!

Well Next week I will be officially Blogging again!

Lately...

2010-10-28T04:47:00.000-07:00

...I have been feeling so out of sort and out of place in crowds, I was beginning to think I'm becoming antisocial then I realised I'm going through a phase in my life where I need to make peace with my past so it won't screw up my present, to get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful to me so pursue my happiness.
At first I was feeling overwhelmed with loneliness, frustrated by my behaviour and didn't understand what I was going through, then I realised that lately I've been thinking a lot about my past and certain hindrances in my life. Words of wisdom from a friend, made me sit up and take note of what is really happening...I need to clean up!

Since I've started I've been more at ease, more in tune and definitely happier...

Love in a simple form...

2010-10-14T07:03:00.000-07:00

What I know for sure....

2010-10-05T06:41:00.001-07:00

No matter what happens, God loves me & has blessed me abudantly!

WHAT BROKE MY SPIRIT...

2010-09-10T04:10:00.000-07:00

...is how easy it is to let someone know in not so many words that they don't fit a mould that society created! It might sound superficial but emotions have a life of its own, to a point that some people never recover...

I was a victim of discrimination a couple of days back & honestly I don't know how I would have ever recovered from it if I didn't ask around to see if I was alone in this, I realised I'm not, there are so many of us who have to endure a painful rejection because of your colour, your race, your religion, your health status, your appearance, how you speak & where you come from.

It was pointed out to me without out many words that, I'm not worthy of their elite club, I cannot be part of something that was (note I said was) going to be beneficial to me & my daughter because I don't fit their criteria.
THIS IS WHO I AM I CANNOT CHANGE IT...I wanted to scream to her. But she would have heard me anyway, it then struck me that there are so many of us that are not heard, we get shoved aside like pieces of trash...dirty, smelly trash! SMH

I sit here & have so much to say but I cannot put in words...I'm too mad, too upset, too emotional & cannot help but imagine so many years into "freedom of everything" there is still so many changes that need to be made.

Aluta Continua

What brought me to tears today...

2010-08-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

...is that no matter how much I try it doesn't get any easier that my baby is separated from me. a year seems so long to wait for her to live with me!

The separation anxiety is so overwhelming I can hardly get any work done. I wonder what she is doing, is she eating enough, is she sleeping well, is she warm enough, not that I don't trust she issn't well taken care of, just that someone else has to do it instead of me...I'm missing out on the most precious milestones. I see her as often as I can and everytime I see her she has grown so fast. Pictures, videos, video calling & no matter how technology is advanced its still not the same. I want to go home to her, I want to kiss her goodnight, tuck her in and be there when she wakes up in the middle of the night and tell her I love her, its okay, I'm here, you are safe...

Other mother's in the similar situation say it gets better, in time I will be used to the idea of being away from her...I hear them and they have adjusted well but what about the bond between mother and child, at this age they are most vulnerable and depend on us tremendously, in turn she will have her faith, trust and love for someone else...who will she call "mama"? definately not me and I don't think I want to settle for first name base with my child.

Catch 22 is that it would be so much easier for me to leave work and go home to raise my baby, but it will be harder to not be able to take care of her needs.

For the moment I will have to learn to control the emotions...and pray for strength to carry on knowing this is all for her...

2010-08-25T07:14:00.000-07:00

Its been a crazy couple of months for me...
I buried my father a couple of weeks later I gave birth to my beautiful baby...

I honestly don't know how I coped with all of this in such a short space of time but I know deep down in my heart God was right there next to me to help me carry on...I wouldn't have survived any of the series of events that unfolded...

Now that its official, I'm back I have taken a different direction...I have new thoughts & I have developed a love for journals...I hope I will be able to speak my heart on this blog as I do in my journals...

37 Weeks

2010-04-20T23:16:00.000-07:00

This week has been bitter/sweet...

I lost someone close to me & honestly I have mixed emotions about it, 1. My baby; 2. Me; 3. My family! Whether we like to run away from the truth there is always drama surrounding death.
I wont say that it was expected, I was definately hoping for a miracle however God has his plans for all of us!

This week was a total daze, by God's grace I didn't keel over & die, the stress was uncontrollable & its not very good for the baby, I know that but there's no way I can escape it. I am trying to stay calm & relaxed as possible but it is kinda hard with all that is unfolding. I had to drive all by myself for 2 hours to come back to Jozi so I can sort out my flat & work things! My flat was not that much of a problem except the heavy stuff & not really knowing how & where was I going to move them. Work is a stress on its own on a normal period now imagine having to cram a weeks work into one day!!! Put that together I might just go into early labour!

Baby is not moving much I'm a bit worried coz I did ask the doctor if I can travel & he did not respond & becuase I was pressed for time I made a decision, so I'm thinking with the travelling, work & moving & the funeral, I am surely the most stressed out person right now.
I jsut want to get out of here & be home & sleep all day...one more trip & I'm done!

First thing I do when I get home is see the doctor so that I can put my mind at eaze, for now its mental preparation for the long trip ahead!

THREE MORE WEEKS!

Week 36

2010-04-14T04:48:00.000-07:00

Beginning of the week

PANIC MODE HAS OFFICIALLY HIT ME...

I just realised that I have less than a week to go home for my confinement & I haven't done anything at all...no kidding here I HAVE DONE NOTHING! I need to pack my cottage, I have to find movers,I have to find storage, I have to confirm hospital, birth plan, I have to do this, I have to do that...I feel like its closing in on me! I need a magic wand :-/

I don't' know what in heavens name made me wait until last minute to get this all done, I wish I had more help! I'm not going to be too hard on myself though because between work & everything else that has been going on to top that my confinement is at home which requires me to travel there if I want to see my obstetrician & book, & I can't always be off work to do all of that!!! I think pregnant women should be given more maternity leave 6 months to say the least, 3 paid & 3 unpaid...that is my story!

End of the week...

Well my week as you can tell by my frantic entry was a total disaster in the planning department but baby is still living it up, it is clear who is boss here & I can just imagine when she comes out she will have me wrapped around her tiny fingers :-). Patterns have been adapted,kicks feels like limbs will pop out of my tummy. I don't know how that they do it in that little & confined space but they sure can move around. Its an amazing feeling indeed! I still don't sleep much but I see it as practice, all my friends who've had babies keep telling me one thing.."BE PREPARED FOR THE WORST"! For some reason I think its a scare tactic for me to panic about 2am feedings...I know my baby is going to be an angel (*^,)
It was time for another visit to the obstetrician this week & it felt like its been long since I've gone for a check up but then again I have a healthy baby & I'm as fit as a fiddle so I was not too worried...Discussed a lot of options with him, so my birth plan is sorted and outta the way, that is a slight relief. Hospital booked, medical aid confirmed...
I know its not even half of what I'm intended to do but its the major part so I'm feeling better than I was earlier this week.

I have four weeks to go...yiipee!!!

Week 33 - 35...have to cram it in one

2010-04-06T07:15:00.000-07:00

I have realise how terrible I am at blogging, however I will get the hang of it especially with my PC being upgraded at home, should give me more time to be a proper blogger

As for baby progress:::

Week 33

Somewhat I think this week was a blur really I was caught up with so many things I could hardly keep up, I think I was the beginning of what they call the pregnancy syndrome, forgetfulness, lack of patience, extreme tiredness & emotional rollercoaster! My cravings were sky rocketing...why didn't anyone warn me about the food part of it??? Don't get me wrong I love indulging I think I have had more dried fruit in a week that I ever had in my life...LOL, at least I was eating healthy.
I slept quiet soundly this week I think baby was starting to settle into a routine, I exercise until the evening & tire her out so she sleeps soundly until the morning...hope it lasts though!! Kids have a mind of their own even in a tummy they command their way.

Week 34

Wow what a crazy week indeed, work is hectic as usual, I wonder what I'm still doing there!!??
I just got offered my old job back on the same salary to ease up the workload & so I don't have to be running around until I go on maternity leave so I start soon :-) well the couple of weeks will make alotta of difference! I'm feeling heavier...MUCH HEAVIER than last week I think I will cut down on the bread & starches again, strictly veggies, fish & white meat only! I think...
I discovered that baby is a snob...LOL! I know for sure because this child refuses to eat traditional food!!! Give me Sushi any day I will gobble it up without blinking & put tripe in front of me(which by the way is my absolute favourite) I don't eat more that two spoons of it without feeling sick to my stomach...no pun intended!
Maybe the tripe was not done proper, but is ever? well maybe I should eat something else when I crave tripe! I'm back to my insomnia nights again & this time I get more hungry & always need the loo when I wake up so she's getting pretty comfy on top of my bladder.
Nothing really about this week, I think she likes my one colleague because every time she speaks she moves around alot. I can't get her to do that with anyone else!
Still kicks & jabs alot, this week though I can actually feel her palms & feet...exciting stuff indeed!

Week 35

I am back at my old post, I thought it's be easy but I discovered that I'd still have to carry out some of my old duties that don't require me being out of the office! so I'm juggling to jobs in one...I think I'm going to go in to premature labour if the next week is the same! Okay my feet have officially started swelling, scary at first, quiet mind disturbing as I have never had swollen feet throughout my pregnancy & all of a sudden "BAM" I have elaphantitis!! LOL
I think I gave my mom a terrible fright, because her BP skyrocketed worse than mine. well I think it was the pressures of picking up in frontline where I didn't have a handover & carrying on with coordinating duties...lets just say if I didn't quit now I will never quit! Easter excitement is keeping my mind off things going to be home with the family for a full long 4 days, it doesn't get better than that!
I have a limited amount of clothes now & I'm certainly not going to buy anymore what fits I will have to make due with it because chances are I won't wear it after baby...
Ooh Baby's name is Lesedi, in case I didn't mention. Lesedi means "LIGHT" a perfect name I think she will bring alot of stability & direction in my carefree life. I would like to say I picked the name but my mother came up with the name & I loved it, singled it out from all the 38 names suggestions I received!

Lets see what's in store for us next week! :-)

Week 32

2010-03-16T00:40:00.001-07:00

I know I have not been active because I was so caught up with my own little world, so I decided what is the best way to keep my blog updated than to talk about what's consuming my time...

I wanted to keep the news of the baby to myself as much as possible because of the events surrounding the whole pregnancy however I decided to rather embrace the beauty & joy it brings to become a mother...

Week 32:

I went for a sonar last week well its official, for the 6th time the doctor told me its a girl with a heart of a boy ( still need to figure what he means by that), yes I'm adding on to already house full of panties, LOL! We are already a family of gazzilion girls across the family yet I bring another girl, guess now we know how to handle girls like pro's so with my family it is going to be effortless to raise another girl!!
Baby is larger than average, now that explains why my tummy is the size of a beachball at this stage & I have a medium framed body so its definately not my genes.
The changes so far are satisfactory, I was panicky in the beginning but it looks like I'm going to pull through this alive :-)

Waking up at 4am is not exactly what I bargained for, however for the past week its become a ritual...I wake up to a jab of fists & kicks to my ribcage which puts me at ease coz during the day she doesn't move around much just a few kicks here & there!! Which is followed by me half sleepwalking to grab a rice cake or two :-) otherwise I wont go back to sleep, (hunger pangs)!!

I think at 32 weeks I'm coping well with all these changes, took me a while but I have adjusted well after 27 years of all about me I have made room for my little princess & not its ALL ABOUT US!

UNTITLED

2010-03-09T21:53:00.000-08:00

Question of the day...

DID I SAY THANK YOU???

A FRESH START

2010-01-14T01:00:00.002-08:00

I took stock of my life in the past year and I realised that one tends to work so hard at change yet never really took the leap of faith to work toward the change I wanted to make.
Its interesting how one is quick to want to change but not willing to work towards that change. I realised that it will require alot of me and I procastinated to a point where I was frustrated and still did nothing about it.

Was this a case of being lazy?
Was I afraid of change?
Was it not knowing what to do?

Well all I know is that I look back and realise that my year was a wasted one, however I'm not going to be too hard on myself because for 26 years I have been doing things in the same way year after year, no change just going with the flow and not taking stock of my life. Suddenly my accident made me realise how nonchalant my life has been and needed to find new purpose but I didn't know where to begin though I knew it had to happen.

In conclusion I was lazy to think out of the box and change my routine.
I was so afraid to step out of my comfort zone, my mind was telling me yes and no at the same time, that lead to alot of dissatisfaction and frustration
I had no clue where to start so I procastinated on the idea until I found a way to start my journey.

I listened with my soul on my festive break...and after alot of tears and regrets, I knew that finally CHANGE IS GONNA COME!!!